More Americans are remaining single—but hold off on your offers to set up a blind date or introduce them to your ridiculously good-looking cousin. Many freely choose their single status. “Lots of people really like being single and want to stay single, and not because they have issues or have had awful romantic experiences,” says Bella DePaulo, a social scientist and author of Single at Heart: The Power, Freedom, and Heart-Filling Joy of Single Life. “They’re drawn to what single life has to offer, including the freedom to follow your interests and passions and live a psychologically rich life.”
That, however, does little to dissuade nosy friends and family members from firing off intrusive questions. Here’s exactly what to say the next time someone asks you about your relationship status.
DePaulo, 71, feels fortunate that she’s been single her entire life. “I’m so proud that I’ve never given in to the pressures to get married or create a life centered around a romantic partner,” she says. She considers herself “single at heart,” a term she coined to describe those who love being single. “We’re happy and flourishing because we’re single, not in spite of it.”
DePaulo acknowledges that some people feel offended when they get asked why they’re single—as though they’re being forced to defend their choice. It’s a clear double standard, since people are rarely asked to explain being married. But she welcomes it: “I love talking about how meaningful and fulfilling single life has been for me.” By letting people know she’s glad they asked about her choice to stay single, she’s signaling that they’re wrong to assume being single is something unfortunate, she says.
“Oh, that’s funny—I was just wondering the same thing about you. Why are you still married?”
This comeback requires a certain amount of gumption—but DePaulo advises delivering it with a big smile, as though it’s a super fun question. (“They’ll be completely caught off guard,” she says.) Think of it as flipping the script, and turning the unwanted question back onto the asker. “You’re giving them a new way of thinking about what they asked,” she says. “If they feel offended, maybe they’ll start to understand what might be wrong with asking single people why they’re still single.”
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“What do you mean by that?”
People typically start stammering when you ask them to examine the roots of their question, says Kris Marsh, a professor of sociology at the University of Maryland and author of The Love Jones Cohort: Single and Living Alone in the Black Middle Class. She considers the comeback a benign way to coax them to take a look at their assumptions. “It puts the onus back on the person asking the question to give some clarification,” she says.
Marsh has found that people often respond to her query by telling her she’s “so pretty” or pointing out that she has “so many degrees.” “The more they clarify, the more they realize, regardless of all the pedigree I have, the only thing they’re worried about is whether or not I have an ‘MRS degree.’” Ideally, that will trigger self-reflection and serve as a teaching moment.
“Oh wow, a new question! I’ve never been asked that before. Just kidding—daily.”
Los Angeles-based therapist Fatemeh Farahan spent years perfecting the art of how to reply to questions about why she was still single before getting married later than expected in her culture. “As an Iranian woman, getting married later in life was seen as a huge deal,” she says. “It felt like everyone around me had a right to comment.” She gravitated toward this lighthearted way of calling out the absurdity of how often people asked her the same question—and especially appreciated that its humor diffused any potential awkwardness. “It shows you’ve been asked this question far too many times and, frankly, are over it,” she says. “It sends a subtle message: ‘This is old news, and I’m not interested in engaging.’”
“Great question. Let me know when you figure it out.”
Farahan has personally used this comeback—and her clients have, too. It adds an “element of mockery to the conversation, but in a playful way,” she’s found. “You’re flipping the burden of explanation back onto them, implying that they should have the answer to their own question.” Plus, it helps disarm people by making them realize how silly their inquiry is, without being aggressive, she says.
“I’m not looking for feedback or discussion on my relationship status right now.”
This is a straightforward way to make it clear that the topic isn’t up for discussion. It might feel harsh, but for the pushier folks you encounter, it can serve as an “emergency button” to end the discussion, says Alex Banta, a therapist in Columbus, Ohio. “You’re signaling to them that this is your life, and you’re not interested in talking about it,” she says. “Let’s keep it rolling and move on to the next conversation.” You can always soften the delivery, she suggests, by adding: “I know you just want what’s best for me, and right now, that means not talking about this.”
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“Wow, you’re really invested in my love life.”
Farahan still recalls the beaming heat of the why-are-you-single spotlight. When someone hit her with yet another question about why she wasn’t partnered up, “I would feel like I was on stage, and there was this giant light on top of me and everyone was looking at me,” she says. By turning the question around, and pointing out the other person’s inappropriate interest in her relationships, she redirected the attention back onto them, which felt empowering. “It subtly implies their question is a bit too nosy, but without being aggressive or accusatory,” she says.
“I guess the universe hasn’t found someone as great as me yet.”
This is a fun, cheeky response that’s both self-assured and playful. It suggests you’re happy with who you are, Farahan says, and that you trust the right person will come along in time (if they’re meant to). “There’s no sense of urgency or disappointment,” she says. “Just confidence in your own worth.” She suggests delivering it with a light, carefree tone, accompanied by a little chuckle. It helps show that you’re comfortable with yourself and your situation, and that there’s no need to rush into something for the sake of partnering up.
“It’s the curse that old woman put on me the night I accidentally disrespected her sacred altar.”
Approaching the situation with this kind of levity lets people know you don’t take yourself super seriously, Banta says—and that they don’t need to be concerned about your romantic well-being. “Humor is my biggest communication tool, even as a therapist,” she says. “It disarms people and maintains your boundary, without having to do any emotional heavy-lifting.”
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One of the most exasperating experiences single people face is when other people refuse to believe they’re happy. DePaulo has heard it all: “You’re fooling yourself,” “You just haven’t met the right person yet,” “You think you’re happy now, but wait until you’re older.” That’s why she’s on a mission to change the way people think about singlehood, and to show them how fulfilling her life is.
When she meets someone for the first time, DePaulo sometimes volunteers that she’s single. At a housewarming party two years ago, she cheerfully struck up a conversation with a married man: “Hi, I’m Bella, and I’ve been single my whole life.” The man then told her about a woman he knew who was also happily single—until she got married at age 65. “I think the message was, ‘Don’t worry, Bella, you could still find someone,’” she says. “Wrong assumption! I told him I preferred stories in which the happy single person stays single.” Then she mentioned that she believes marriage is overrated. The man checked to see whether his wife was out of earshot before divulging: “If I admitted what I really thought of that, I’d spend the night in the shed.”