While alarmists met the White House’s executive order warmup with typical wails, they should be grateful that these Heritage Foundation drafts went unsigned.
Proposal: “Hard Crypto”
Formal Title: Cultural Revival Through Commerce
Effect: Melting the Liberty Bell into limited-edition coins
Rejected for: Stuck beneath the Resolute Desk
Proposal: “New Material”
Formal Title: Shielding American Leadership from Stale Critique
Effect: Fines for allusions to the Roman emperors Commodus, Nero, and Caligula
Rejected for: Suppressed the film classic “Caligula”
Proposal: “Jumping to the Future”
Formal Title: Leaping Ahead of Economic Stagnation
Effect: Rapid conversion of countryside into industrial centers
Rejected for: Wholly plagiarized
Proposal: “Higher Reëducation”
Formal Title: Embracing Diversity in Social Science
Effect: Federal funding for the McMahon Center for Gender Studies, the Hegseth Journal of Women’s History, and Tate Grant for Openweight Kickboxing
Rejected for: “Girlish” Garamond font
Proposal: “Executive Summaries”
Formal Title: Optimizing Linguistic Efficiency in Legislature
Effect: Removes words with four or more syllables from laws, executive orders, and amendments
Rejected for: Contained four-syllable words in title, text, and rejection
Proposal: “Frogs for Kids”
Formal Title: Restoring Academic Passion in Young Americans
Effect: Mandatory 4chan browsing times and post quotas for secondary-school students
Rejected for: Anticompetitive to rival image boards, Reddit forks, and militias
Proposal: “Bring Them Home”
Formal Title: Reclaiming American Homesteads
Effect: Annexation of Shanghai
Rejected for: Proposed governor Hugh Hefner died seven years ago
Proposal: “Star Wars”
Formal Title: Star Wars
Effect: A laser-based missile-defense system
Rejected for: Wholly plagiarized
Proposal: “Pledge Week”
Formal Title: Preserving Executive Branch Camaraderie
Effect: Expands Vice-Presidential duties to Power Hour drinking event
Rejected for: Hospitalization of Vice-President
Proposal: “The Oregon Trail 2”
Formal Title: Reconnecting America
Effect: Funds transcontinental high-speed rail, jump-starting American trade and cultural connection
Rejected for: Inside joke, subsequently shredded
Proposal: “Iron MAGA”
Formal Title: Maintaining Peace Through Preparation
Effect: Construction and storage of a “Gundam” fleet beneath Congress
Rejected for: Elon prefers “Macross”; has watched neither
Proposal: “Trans Stuff”
Formal Title: T.B.D.
Effect: [A blank space to be filled in by evangelical donors]
Rejected for: Donors favor state-level pogroms
Proposal: “Mar-a-Lago 2”
Formal Title: Decreasing the Burden of American Allies
Effect: Annexation of Okinawa
Rejected for: Proposed governor Vince McMahon declined
Proposal: “Honored Elders”
Formal Title: Recognizing the Dignity of American Sages
Effect: Establishing a minimum age of sixty-two for citizenship
Rejected for: Forgotten
Proposal: “Liberated Youth”
Formal Title: Rewarding the Vigor and Ingenuity of American Youth
Effect: Eliminates age of consent
Rejected for: Redundancy with incoming legislature
Proposal: “Blindfolds of History”
Formal Title: Protecting Long-Term National Identity from Corrosion
Effect: Removal of tax-exempt status from all universities maintaining history departments
Rejected for: Increased tax burden on Princeton donors
Proposal: “Honored Elders”
Formal Title: See above
Effect: See above
Rejected for: Misplaced by junior staff
Proposal: “Newer Testament”
Formal Title: Elucidation of Core Faith Values
Effect: Unsealing of a “lost” Bible verse starring key Administration members, allies, and contest winners
Rejected for: Deemed time-consuming, wordy
Proposal: “Setting the Tone”
Formal Title: Turning Enmity Into Friendship
Effect: Renaming Iran “Iramerica”
Rejected for: Lack of pith (returned for punchup)
Proposal: “Streamlined Delegation”
Formal Title: Leveraging Progress to Enrich Government
Effect: Establishing a “digital executive” trained on excerpts from the Old Testament, Reagan bio-pics, and “SmackDown”
Rejected for: Shredded after “Terminator 3” screening
Proposal: “The Whole Story”
Formal Title: Honoring Every Hero of the Civil-Rights Movement
Effect: Funds statues of unsung thinkers, officers, and imperial wizards
Rejected for: Pen misplaced
Proposal: “Maple Dawn”
Formal Title: Reclaiming Lost Glory Through New Land
Effect: Annexation of Alaska
Rejected for: Alaska attained statehood in 1959
Proposal: “Good Housekeeping”
Formal Title: Bringing Security to American Homes
Effect: Establishes civilian militias to defend cultural, religious, and commercial values
Rejected for: Impatience ♦